Control freak diaries: Double check ten times

Overtime till 8 pm at the office.

Gathered my things to go home. Switched off computer, UPS, air-con and lights. I opened the door and went outside.

As I was a few meters from the dormitory, I realized I forgot to double check the office doors. So I went back and made sure I locked it by turning the knob 10 times. It was locked.

I went outside again. Then I realized, I did not double check if I turned the lights off.

So basically, the rest of the evening was just a scenario of double checking if I turned off the air-con, lights, blah, blah. I was finally at peace when I double checked everything for the nth time.

That’s just how I do things. It is hard being a control freak.

Control freak diaries

It’s hard being a control freak. I have always known I was different.

Dating back in high school, I hated spontaneous activities or spur of the moment situations. Everything had to be planned and I always wanted to be in control. Surprise quizzes or exams always freaked me out, and while everyone else laughed it off, I was “panic-studying”. That was when I earned “panicker” as my nickname.

My situation got worse in college. The pressure was undeniably getting into my nerves, being the daughter of a known professor at the university. All eyes were glued on me. People started expecting me to be as great as father. Freedom was not a privilege. Making mistakes was not part of my to-do list. I could not do what I wanted and I was always bugged by other people’s thoughts. Hence, I became more paranoid and controlling. Over thinking and weeping was part of my daily routine. I’d easily get depressed on low exam scores and scolding professors. I had a tough time.

In class, getting a perfect score resulted in applause combined with a few gossips about the-perks-of-having-a-professor-father. Whereas a low score resulted in gossips about being not as great as father. So, there was always a comparison between father and I.

I almost lost my mind at that time. It never occurred to me that I’d be experiencing that kind of pressure. It was no longer normal. Seeking professional psychiatric help came into mind but I was afraid of stirring another round of gossip. It was then that I realized I had to solve my own problem and rewire my brain. It was a matter of mind conditioning — filling up thoughts with happy things like rainbows and unicorns, and teaching myself to be positive and not over think. I pretended not to care about people’s thoughts until I no longer had to.

I cannot say I am better. But I know that I am not as controlling and paranoid as I was in college. I may still show signs of being a freak but I’ve had worse days. I have long accepted this side of myself and I am now good at controlling by control freak tendencies. Oh the irony.

I apparently just found out that mother and I share the same personality. Good to know I’m not the lone freak in the family.

So, I’d be starting a weekly post on my being a control freak. Hopefully, this would send a message to people who are quick to judge. Acceptance is, I think, the best cure to anything.

A bucket of tears: The Fault in Our Stars movie

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Watched TFIOS yesterday, and I have to say, I am an emotional wreck right now. I don’t even know where to begin. The movie was just painfully beautiful.

I was not supposed to cry. I willed myself not to. I was supposed to just watch the movie and not feel anything. But that was not what happened since I was seated between my best buddies who were crying even at the beginning of the film. So, I could not help but shed tears as well. Our emotions were all over the place that even at Gus and Hazel’s love scene, we were weeping. It was just insane.

Everything was done fantastically. The actors did a splendid job, and once again, Shailene Woodley (Hazel), was just impressive! Ansel Elgort (Gus), even surpised me. He was so in character that for a moment there, I could not even see Caleb (Divergent). Songs were also very appropriate for certain scenes – contributed to our weeping moments. And most importantly, the movie was faithful to the book. The same conversations, lines, and aaah!!! Although they have made a few changes, these were only minor.

Everything was just amazing, aaaaaah!!! I feel like doing keyboard smashes right now but I can’t since I’m only using my smartphone. Ugh. Feeeeelsssss.

If you have or have not read the book, either way, the movie won’t be a disappointment.

So for those of you who have not watched it, I suggest you prepare a towel and a bucket for your tears. You’ll be needing it. Trust me.

Aaaaaaah. Must move on.

Gosh. I still feel like crying.

Afraid

I’ve heard of stories about life and loss. Life that once was, now gone. Love that once was, now lost.

I don’t know if I have prepared myself for the inevitable. Sometimes there’s courage, oftentimes there’s none. Deep down, I feel very afraid of what’s about to come. The future is always uncertain.

A friend once told me of a tragic love story. How a woman left the man he loved for her dreams. How after a few years, he followed her to where she was. And how he found out that she was already happily married to another.

I am afraid that this might happen to us. I cannot even imagine how life would be without your existence.

But you’ll be leaving in a few months time. And I know I have already prepared myself. Since it was I who pushed you to study in the first place. I am happy for you, really. I am just afraid.

Yes, nothing is certain. But we can always have hope and trust. Hope that everything will be okay and trust that things will turn out alright, no matter what.

First plane ride

first plane ride Never realized I was afraid of flying until I had my first plane experience in December 2013. Yes, you read that right. I just had my first plane ride. You’re probably thinking why a person my age has never ridden a plane until recently. Forgive me, I really don’t get out much. And I’m afraid of heights. Uh, there’s just a lot that I’m afraid of.

Anyway, I was very excited to travel by air since people have been saying it’s awesome! Apart from that, the possibility of being seatmates with a smokin’ hot guy brought my eagerness to an extreme level (forgive me boyfriend, just let me dream once in a while). I just thought that I’d get to be seatmates with a good-looking British guy. Then we’d be talking the entire duration of the flight. He’d help me carry my bags. We’d eventually hit it off and he’d come rescue me from this nightmare of a life. But, no. That never happened. Things like these only happen in books – such as the one I read about a few weeks before the plane ride. Thanks a lot, Jennifer E. Smith, author of ‘The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight’, for filling my head with fantasies.

The plane experience was nothing like I expected – it was nightmarish and traumatic. I had a lot of almost-puke moments when the plane started taking off. My ears were such traitors throughout the flight (my ears were at the brink of explosion) and suffocation crept through my lungs – like invisible hands were strangling me. I seriously thought that flight was going to be the end of me. At that moment, I wished I could just jump off plane with a parachute.

So there I was crazy panicking on the inside while my co-passengers looked really calm. After an hour of agony and suffering, the plane finally showed me some mercy and landed safely. But, I was left with deaf ears. Great. And what’s worse, I never even got to be seatmates with prince charming!

Ugh. Why wasn’t I informed that plane rides are scary? And yet they say ‘Ignorance is bliss’. I hope you choke, person-whoever-came-up-with-that-thought.

But, on the bright side, I did not end up sitting next to a smelly person. Now that would have been more frightening.